The sun hovered just below the horizon, blankets of gray/white fog slept in the valleys below, nestled between small rolling hillocks, reaching up with slowly undulating arms to the tall maples and pines. Unable to see anything but the tops of the tallest trees, everything will depend on only feel and sound until the fog burned off. The grass underfoot was wet. Slippery. The flat shelf of ground cut deeply into the steep hillside overlooked what, in a few hours, would be a beautiful landscape.
Tauntingly, “Go ahead, Einstein. Hit me. I️ dare you.”
Snidely, but a little flustered, “Is that all you got? What a wimp. “
Angrily, “Shut up. “
“Next time, swing like you mean it. “
Sarcastically, “Ha, ha, ha, ha. You almost missed.”
More angrily, “I️ said shut up.”
Sneering, “Yeah, but you did almost miss, and besides, it didn’t hurt a bit. “
Defiantly, “I️ said, be quiet. I️ am not listening to you anymore. “
Swing. Bam!
“Oooooh, nice hit. Wow I️ can really see a long way from up here. “
Fingers in ears, mumbling “Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey, hey, good bye.”
“Oof! I tell you what. That was a pretty hard landing. Next time let’s try for that smooth grass over there, or maybe the nice soft sand, but only if it hasn’t been raining. Wet sand is like cement.”
Whispering, “Quiet. Don’t say a word.”
Roll, roll, roll.
Shouting, “Watch out! Hard right turn ahead! Wheee! That was fun, I️ am so dizzy now, I️ may puke.”
Grumbling, “You can’t puke. Shut up!”
Roll, roll, roll.
“Watch out. I’m gonna hurl.”
Ignoring him.
Roll, roll, plunk!

“Ha, ha, ha, ha! You can’t hit the broad side of a barn. How about a nice slice of pie to go with that? Get it? Slice?”
Screaming, “Shaddup! You are not funny”
“Hey Einstein. Take it easy, ok? Relax, slight bend in your knees. Keep your left arm straight, lower body still and head down. What is so tough about that?”
“Again? Better sand that hole you just dug. Is that really the best you can do? Keep your head down, I tell you. Blank your mind. Empty your brain of all thoughts, but somehow, I️ don’t think that’s really your problem. I don’t see much going on up there anyway.”
“Will you please shut up? You are not helping at all. “
Innocently, “Sure I️ am. I told you about keeping your head down didn’t I? Is it my fault you didn’t listen? Hey! Maybe you did empty your brain. Heh, heh, heh. Hey! You know what? I think you are missing something here. When you tee off, you try to kill me. Maybe you don’t realize that I am already dead. You can’t kill me!!”
Maniacal laughter.
“Now this is more like it. Nice smooth swing. You hit me nice and square. I️ love the feel of the sweet spot on my butt. “
“Oof! Right on the green. Wow! Putting for a birdie. We don’t see many of those, do we, Einstein?”
Tap. Roll, roll, roll.
Tap. Roll, roll, roll,
Tap. Roll. Plunk.
Snarling, “What? No snarky comment? I️ was trying for a birdie and ended up with a bogie. And why do keep calling me Einstein?”
“I call your Einstein because you do exactly what Einstein says; You make the same mistakes over and over again and expect a different result each time. I just thought it was nicer to call you Einstein than Insane.”
“Enjoy your trip into the swamp you miserable little know-it-all. Good riddance!”

The sun crested the horizon. It was already bright and sunny. Far above, thin white cirrus clouds crowned the light blue skies. Giant maple trees to the left, a stand of pine trees behind, and two deep bunkers flanked the smooth brilliant green. The tall pine tree is the target. Hitting that line gives easy access to the green and avoids the traps.
Tauntingly, “Go ahead, Einstein. Hit me. I️ dare you.”
Snidely, but a little rattled, “Is that all you got? What a wimp. “


About Dave Oney

Dave Oney was born mid last century in Middlebury, Vermont. He received his BS in Chemistry and worked as a polymer chemist in Massachusetts and New Jersey. He became a microscopist (someone who studies little bitty things using a microscope) and photomicrographer (someone who photographs little bitty things) before settling into a 35-year career in technical sales of scientific imaging equipment (the science of digitally recording itty bitty things, sending the image to a computer for analysis.) He designed and created a number of products contributing to this field. He is (was) proficient in several computer languages and is currently working on mastering English. After making a few more paradigm shift career changes Dave and his wife, Fran, retired and moved closer to their children and granddaughters and now live in the foothills of the Sierra Nevadas.
This entry was posted in fiction, Humor, short story. Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Einstein

  1. Pingback: Summertime, And The Living… | "What If…" by Dave Oney

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